8 Tips For Raising Resilient Mixed Race Kids
Resiliency is more than just a buzzword. For mixed race kids, it is a necessity.
As a mixed race individual myself, I know for a fact that your kids will encounter microaggressions and discrimination at some point in their lives.
They will need to develop resilience to help them bounce back from those situations and not internalize the negative comments or interactions. These 8 tips will help you raise strong, resilient mixed race kids who are ready for anything.
What is resilience?
Resilience refers to someone's capacity to cope with adversity and bounce back from setbacks. Resilience is not just about weathering the storm but learning and growing stronger from our experiences.
8 Tips for Raising Resilient mixed race Kids
For mixed race children, resilience is the inner strength they'll need to navigate the challenges of growing up in a monoracist society.
Most multiracial children know and understand that they can fully belong to all of their racial heritages. Society, on the other hand, struggles with that reality. The constant pushback from others, telling them they are wrong and that they have to choose, is what makes them doubt their ability to be who they already are.
Mixed race people need a heavy dose of resilience, not because there is anything wrong with them, but because society is slow to adapt and fully accept their multiracial identity. Consider these tips as your parent's guide to helping kids navigate the mixed race experience.
Tip 1: Cultural Exposure is Key
Differences in skin tone isn't the only piece of their multiracial identity that kids need to understand. What influences us even more than being more than one race is the culture connected to each of our ethnic or racial groups.
Your multiracial child needs the opportunity to interact with people from the cultural groups they identify with so that they can connect with their cultural roots. They deserve to know about the culture that impacted their parents' experiences and made them who they are. Your kids need the opportunity to really get to know their own family and where they come from.
If you can, create opportunities to build deep, meaningful connections with extended family so that your kids can experience the nuances of their cultural background.
If you don't have a close relationship with extended family, that means you need to expose your kids to culture in other ways. Take your mixed race kid to restaurants where they serve traditional cuisine and get to know the owners. Join community centers, enroll in dance classes, attend arts events (music, fine art, performance) connected to your child's cultural background, go to cultural events and festivals, or even travel to areas where they can be surrounded by other children and families who represent their cultural groups. Take every opportunity available to teach your child about their culture and connect with other people who belong to those cultural groups.
Exposing your mixed race kids to all aspects of their cultures will not only help them feel more connected to the people and their roots but it will also help them develop confidence in their multiracial identity. Your kids also need to see and feel pieces of themselves, their culture, and their identity in the world around them. Representation matters. It validates and makes your children feel seen.
Tip 2: Fusion It Up!
Honestly, fusion is one of the best parts of growing up in a multiracial family. Just like your child can fully belong to all of their racial and ethnic groups, your family can fully embrace all those pieces, blending them together in your own way.
You can create new family traditions that celebrate and honor multiple cultures and beliefs at once. Chrismakkuh anyone?
Mix it up and make it fun. As a multiracial person, your child needs to learn to feel comfortable paving their own path and doing their own thing. Starting at home with food, festivals and traditions is a great way to practice.
Tip 3: Have Honest Discussions About Race and Racial Identity
Even if you live in a diverse area, even if you interact regularly with other multiracial families, even if it seems obvious to you that your child is mixed race, you need to talk about what it means to be mixed race.
Kids notice differences in skin tone and appearance as early as 6 months. Even if they don't know how to ask you about it, I guarantee you they've got questions about who they are, why they don't look like you and what it means to be part of a multiracial family.
Having open, honest conversations about the mixed race experience and respectfully answering your child's questions fosters a sense of safety and trust. They will need that safe space and support for healthy multiracial identity development.
Tip 4: Resist
The best way parents of mixed race kids can support their children is by resisting the expectations of our monoracist society. Stand up for your kids and stand up for others. Speak out against racism, systemic oppression and stereotypes.
Make sure your mixed race kids know that people's biased comments or beliefs are not actually about them. They stem from the speaker’s harmful beliefs and stereotypes. That person has internal work to do. Your child does NOT have to change who they are to make that person more comfortable.
Tip 5: Set Clear Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries with family members or within the community is another crucial piece of resistance and supporting your child’s well-being.
There will be people who may refuse to accept your child's mixed race identity and others who focus on it so much it gets creepy. You will need to create very clear boundaries to keep your kids safe.
This may take the form of explicit conversations where you point out their problematic behavior, prejudice or microaggressions and firmly express your expectations for how your child should be treated.
Other times, it may come in the form of using humor to diffuse tension or even providing some education. Regardless of how it sounds, modeling what is acceptable and what isn't gives your child guidelines to use as they grow.
The focus should be on creating a safe and loving environment where your child feels accepted and valued for who they are.
If you’ve already tried educating and setting boundaries and a person still refuses to respect those boundaries, it's okay to limit contact with those people. The emotional health and self-esteem of your child come first.
Tip 6: Find Community
Your kids need multiple places and spaces where they can be themselves and feel they belong. Encourage them to explore their strengths, talents and abilities so they can spend time with people who have similar interests. Put them in clubs, sports, arts programs-help them find their people.
You also want to find a way to spend time with other families with mixed race kids so that your kids feel connected to other families like theirs and have role models to follow while navigating their racial identity.
Lastly, encourage them to join affinity groups so they can meet other people who share their ethnic or racial background. The more places they feel connected and plugged in, the more confidence they will have in themselves and the more support they will have to turn to when they need it.
Tip 7: Let Your Kids Explore Their Racial Identity
You don't get to tell your kids who they are and how to identify themselves. That is a decision and a journey only they can take.
As uncomfortable as that reality might make you feel, it's the truth. You can’t tell them who to be but, you can give them tools, information and support to help them figure out who they are.
Multiracial people spend most of their teen and young adult years exploring their racial identity.
At times, they will feel more connected to one racial group than another. Your child's identity and sense of self will change as they grow. That is 100% normal and absolutely OK! Let them live their journey. Remember, you are there to equip and support your multiracial kids-not tell them who to be.
Tip 8: Don’t Try to Figure It Out Alone
Raising resilient mixed race kids requires intentionality, creativity, and flexibility. With cultural exposure, open communication, empowering support, and clear boundaries, your kids will have most of the tools they need to become proud, confident multiracial people.
If that to-do list sounds easier said than done, check out the Free to Be Collective.
Inside the Mixed Life Academy, you'll find:
A supportive community of other parents of mixed race kids.
A library of short videos I recorded to help parents better understand the mixed race experience.
Weekly live coaching where we talk about issues families with mixed race kids face and explore solutions that fit your unique situation.
Raising multiracial children can be daunting but you don't have to figure it all out alone!
Jennifer Noble is a licensed psychologist, lover of adolescents and coach for parents of mixed race children. She is the founder and CEO of Free to Be Collective, an organization serving marginalized people and nontraditional families. Dr. Jenn created an online educational community for parents of mixed race kids to help families raise confident, resilient children. Her passion for identity freedom and her advocacy for the mixed race community are fueled by her lived experience. In addition to coaching parents, Dr. Jenn owns a private practice in Los Angeles, is a keynote speaker on various topics related to adolescence and the mixed race experience, and teaches at the collegiate level.