The Inner World of Mixed Race Teens: 7 Things Your Teen Wishes You Knew

Does your teen ever feel a little…mysterious? It is no secret that teens aren’t always as talkative as the elementary version of themselves once was. The mystery does not have to go unsolved! Let’s take a trip into the inner world of mixed race teens to discover 7 things your teen wishes you knew about the mixed race experience. 

What Your Mixed Race Teen Wishes You Knew #1:

“I might change how I racially identify multiple times.”

Mixed race teens often experience a fluid and evolving sense of racial identity. They will likely change how they racially identify multiple times as they explore and better understand different aspects of their heritage and racial background. There will be times when they prefer one racial group over another or identify with certain pieces of their cultural heritage more than others. That does not mean they are having an identity crisis. This flexibility is part of the journey of discovering who they truly are.

Although it might feel frustrating to you, or even offensive if one day they no longer want to 'claim' your heritage, take a deep breath and remember that they are still figuring out their racial identity. They are not rejecting you or your cultural heritage. 

Instead, encourage open dialogue about the exploration. Help them discover and define their own identity. Give them the resources they need to put together all the pieces of who they are. 

What Your Mixed Race Teen Wishes You Knew #2:

“I have to be more aware of myself in ways that other teens don’t.” 

Your mixed race teen may feel like they have to be more self-aware than most monoracial teens.

They may feel like they have to prove themselves around family members or members of certain racial groups. They may be on guard, feeling like they are constantly being scrutinized and analyzed or that others expect them to "earn" the right to claim their cultural identity.

This constant scrutiny and self-evaluation can be exhausting. Make sure your teen has a safe place where they can just be themselves. (Ideally that safe space would be your home or even a welcoming, diverse community).

What Your Mixed Race Teen Wishes You Knew #3:

“I think about belonging and membership A LOT.”

A big part of adolescence is figuring out who you are and where you belong. We all want to find our group, or our "people.” This becomes more complicated for mixed race teens, because of the added layer of belonging to more than one racial/ethnic group. 

Your mixed race teen may feel like they are constantly straddling multiple racial or ethnic groups. They may struggle or even feel hesitant to find belonging in a group, especially when others feel they don’t “look” the way they should to be a member.

What Your Mixed Race Teen Wishes You Knew #4:

“People ask me a lot of questions about ⁠identity that are hard to answer.”

Mixed race children and teens face a lot of complex and challenging questions about their identity. Many of these questions would stump most adults, let alone a kid who is still trying to figure out their multiracial identity.

Multiracial individuals get these kinds of questions all the time. Help your teen think of empowering ways to respond so that they don't feel at a loss for what to say in these situations. 

What Your Mixed Race Teen Wishes You Knew #5:

“People often tell me what race I look like (or don’t look like).”

"You don't look ______." Your mixed race teen will be told time and time again how they should identify based on their skin color, facial features, or hair texture.

These comments can be intrusive and confusing, sometimes even offensive. Comments like these will often fuel shifts in your child's sense of racial identity, especially when they come from family members or people your teen deeply admires.

Teach your kids that their phenotype (i.e. their physical features) DO NOT determine their racial composition. No one else gets to tell them what their racial identity should be. 

What Your Mixed Race Teen Wishes You Knew #6:

“People test me all the time on how much I know about my background.”

If your teen doesn't match society's idea of what someone of their racial or ethnic background should look like, there will be more questions:

"Well, do you speak _________? Do you eat _________? Have you ever even been to _________?" 

These questions reinforce the idea that mixed race kids have to earn their cultural identity instead of it being a part of their birthright.

Make celebrating diversity and exposing your kids to all aspects of their different cultures a part of your family structure. This will help them feel confident in who they are and where they belong.

What Your Mixed Race Teen Wishes You Knew #7:

“Sometimes entering into new spaces is intimidating.”

When mixed race teens step into new social spaces, it can feel a little unsettling. They often feel like all eyes are on them. Even if it isn't necessarily true, they feel like people are looking them over, sizing them up and trying to put them in boxes based on how they look. It's enough to make some multiracial kids want to avoid entering any new social spaces at all and just stick with people they already know.

Although we want our multiracial children to feel comfortable wherever they go, try to seek out other families with mixed race kids or multiracial people. Being able to spend time with other families "like yours" will have a huge impact on your child's confidence and sense of belonging. 

Knowing they aren’t "the only one" provides an instant mental health boost and maybe even some positive role models your child can look to for advice while figuring out this whole racial identity thing. Having safe spaces like these will help your child have the confidence and resilience they need to navigate spaces where they don't feel as accepted or understood.

If you are struggling to find other families with mixed race kids where you live, join the Free to Be Collective! Inside this educational community for parents of mixed race kids, you can learn more about the mixed race experience, gain the tools you need to become your child’s best advocate and get input and advice from me about how to navigate tricky situations with your teen. Who knows, you might even meet someone who lives close enough to meet up with you in real life!

Jennifer Noble is a licensed psychologist, lover of adolescents and coach for parents of mixed race children. She is the founder and CEO of Free to Be Collective, an organization serving marginalized people and nontraditional families. Dr. Jenn created an online educational community for parents of mixed race kids to help families raise confident, resilient children. Her passion for identity freedom and her advocacy for the mixed race community are fueled by her lived experience. In addition to coaching parents, Dr. Jenn owns a private practice in Los Angeles, is a keynote speaker on various topics related to adolescence and the mixed race experience, and teaches at the collegiate level.