Navigating Teen Years: 8 Essential Tips for Parents of Mixed Race Teens

Do you feel disconnected from your mixed race teen?

Are you desperate to find out what is going on inside their heads and why they've stopped talking to you?

Here are 8 essential tips for parents of mixed race teens to help you respectfully navigate this important phase of your kid's development and keep the lines of communication open.

Why do teens stop talking to their parents?

Teenagers often stop talking to their parents about difficult topics for a few reasons.

One big factor is that they're trying to figure out who they are and what they think. They don’t want to take on your views of the world without question anymore. They want to figure it out on their own. (Kinda like how they refused to let you dress them during the toddler years.) 

They begin to value input from their friends more than their parents and push back against their parent’s advice because they want to figure it out themselves. Although that can be hard for parents to get used to, it is perfectly normal, and even good, for teens to rely on their friends to help them navigate certain situations.

The biggest reason teens stop talking to their parents, though, is because they aren’t sure you’re safe to talk to anymore. All teens need reassurance that it's still okay to share vulnerable things with their parents.⁠ And in this case, as the old saying goes, your actions speak much louder than your words.

Before opening up to you, they wonder:

• Are you safe?

• Are you going to listen?

• Are you going to try to "fix" their problem rather than let them vent and be heard?⁠

The key to maintaining open communication is to prove time and time again that you are safe, you will listen without trying to jump in and fix it all.

Adolescence is a crucial period of self-discovery. It lays the foundation for your mixed race kid's sense of identity and future relationships. As hard as it is, giving your kids a little more space during this phase of life is a sign of healthy attachment, not rejection.

That doesn't mean you stop trying to talk to your kids. You still need to show up for them.You’ll just have to show up a little differently than you used to. 

8 Tips for Parents of Mixed Race Teens

Adapting to new phases in parenting is always hard. Just when you think you’ve got it figured out, they throw you a curveball.

These 8 tips will help you stay grounded when things between you and your teen start heating up. 

Remember, This is Normal

All teens are going through this process of defining who they are. Your mixed race teen just has an added level to sort through (their ethnic and racial identity). 

Make sure your home is a safe and supportive environment where they can do all the sorting they need. Let them ask all their questions without judgment. Your homes should be a safe space where they can explore, make mistakes, and change their mind. 

That is all a normal part of the process. You can’t figure it out for your kid. You have to give them enough space and support to figure it out for themselves.

Initiate Conversations

Instead of waiting for your teen to come to you with their concerns, initiate conversations based on your experiences together.

For example, you could say, "Hey, I noticed you weren’t socializing too much with the teens at the [group activity] today. Do you ever feel like you have to be more aware of yourself or read the room more than other teens?"

Encourage them to express their feelings and thoughts. Then, listen intently to what they have to say. Don't jump in to fix the problem for them. Just listen. Only offer advice or solutions if they ask for it.

Be a Good Listener

I know I’ve already said this but it is important enough to repeat. How you listen to your teen determines how often they will open up to you. When they do come to you to talk about something they are struggling with, they probably just want you to listen.

Don’t try to "fix" your multiracial child's identity struggles by telling them what to do. Be a compassionate and empathetic listener. That means you:

Give them your full attention and validate their feelings.

Reflect back what you hear to make sure you understood correctly, using phrases like "So, what I hear you saying is..."

Let them know that you're there to support them, no matter what.

Raising multiracial children is different than having a multiracial identity. Although you can empathize with what your kids are going through, it is important to recognize that you can't fully understand their experiences. Yes, this is still true even if you are multiracial yourself! 

Your kids know this. They don't want you to pretend you get it. They just want to know you'll have their back when they need it. 

Encourage Pride in Their Heritage

Help your teen celebrate their diverse heritage. Encourage them to learn about their cultural backgrounds, traditions, and history.

If possible, let them spend time with extended family members so they can be immersed in the nuances of culture that you can't learn from a book. This will help them feel even more connected to their cultural background and pass those annoying "prove you're really what you say you are" questions.

Connect with Supportive Communities

Seek out local or online communities and support groups for multiracial families. Although your child should have many groups where they feel they belong, being involved in a community of “families like yours” is invaluable. You will be connected with new resources, gain valuable advice for raising biracial children, and have a space where your child can just be themselves.

Educate Yourself

To better understand your mixed race teen's experience, educate yourself about the mixed race experience. Make sure you also have a basic understanding of race-related issues like racism, systemic oppression, and white supremacy, just to name a few.

Read books and articles, watch movies, and engage in discussions that shed light on these issues that directly impact your mixed race kids.

The easiest way to educate yourself is by joining the Free to Be Collective. You'll get all the information and support you need in one place - a community of other multiracial families who understand your struggles, live group coaching, and a library of videos full of quick tips and insights into the mixed race experience.

The teenage years can be a challenging but transformative period for both mixed race teens, and their parents as your kids explore and develop their own sense of self. Remember, your role is not to have all the answers but to be there to support and guide your mixed race kids on their journey of self-discovery.

Jennifer Noble is a licensed psychologist, lover of adolescents and coach for parents of mixed race children. She is the founder and CEO of Free to Be Collective, an organization serving marginalized people and nontraditional families. Dr. Jenn created an online educational community for parents of mixed race kids to help families raise confident, resilient children. Her passion for identity freedom and her advocacy for the mixed race community are fueled by her lived experience. In addition to coaching parents, Dr. Jenn owns a private practice in Los Angeles, is a keynote speaker on various topics related to adolescence and the mixed race experience, and teaches at the collegiate level.