How to Advocate For Mixed Race Kids: 6 Essential Tips
With the rise of interracial relationships, the number of families with mixed race kids is growing. That means more and more parents are trying to figure out how to help their kids navigate life as multiracial individuals without being mixed race themselves. If that describes you, these 6 tips will help you understand how to advocate for mixed race kids and equip them with the tools they need to become confident, resilient multiracial individuals.
Tip 1: Do Your Own Inner Work
Before you can effectively advocate for your mixed race child, you've got to do your own inner work. Unless you confront and address your own unconscious biases and beliefs about race and ethnicity, you will pass them down to your kids.
Now, I'm not accusing you of being intentionally prejudiced or racist. We all have biases. We live in a very racialized society and internalize biases, often without even realizing it.
To raise a confident, resilient mixed race kid, you need to dig deep and uncover the why behind some of those knee-jerk reactions you have toward people whose lives or appearances don’t look exactly like yours.
If you feel some type of way about your kid's skin color, hair texture, or even how they will be perceived in certain racial groups, you've got some inner work to do.
Sometimes, having a mixed race kid shines a light on those biases you didn't realize you had. If you don't deal with them, they can subtly influence your parenting and leave a lasting impact on your child's self-esteem and racial identity development.
Take the time to do some introspection and identify those biases. The more you can model personal growth, open-mindedness and acceptance for your kids, the better.
Tip 2: Talk Regularly About What it Means to be Mixed Race
You can't prepare your child for the mixed race experience if they don't know they are part of an interracial family! You need to have regular conversations about what it means for your child to belong to more than one racial group and/or cultural group.
Although that may sound obvious, over the past 20 years that I have been working with mixed race individuals, I've met several adults who weren't aware of their racial identity until their teenage years (or later!) because their parents never directly discussed it.
Your kids NEED to talk about and understand what it is to be mixed race!
Especially when they are little, they will notice differences between parents and themselves, but they need space to discuss what that means. Even if they haven't started asking you questions, I guarantee you they have them. They might just not know how to bring it up.
Instead of waiting on your kids, start the conversations yourself.
Having open conversations about the mixed race experience will have a big impact on your child's life. They will better understand their family's history, culture and themselves. It will also boost their self-esteem and give them a safe space for the hard questions that come up as they navigate their mixed race identity development.
It is never too early to address issues related to being mixed race. Exclusion and racist comments can begin as young as 3! Make conversations about what it means to be mixed race a regular part of your family culture from the beginning.
Tip 3: Explain Microaggressions and Where They Come From
The world tries to categorize mixed race people based on how they look. That means people will constantly tell your mixed race kids "who they are" or how they should identify.
If your kids try to push back against these people's opinions of who they should be, they will most likely get even more unsolicited opinions.
Those unsolicited opinions usually come in the form of microaggressions.
Microaggressions are “the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.” (from (from Diversity in the Classroom, UCLA Diversity & Faculty Development, 2014). They often show up as comments about your multiracial child’s skin color, hair texture, overall appearance or attractiveness, cultural affinity, etc.
It is your job to make sure your kids understand microaggressions and how to resist them.
To help your child understand why community members, friends, or maybe even their own family feel the need to evaluate and put them into racial categories, you need to explain racism, mono-racism and microaggressions in an age appropriate way. They need to understand that how they look doesn't define who they are. For younger kids, books are a great tool to spark these discussions.
The most important point to get across to your mixed race kids is the fact that none of the comments or negative interactions have anything to do with them. Racism and the related microaggressions are the result of someone else's harmful beliefs. Your child's existence is NOT the problem.
Tip 4: Affirm Their Multiracial Identity
Affirm your kids' multiracial identity as often as possible! (If you aren't sure how to do that without sounding corny or over-doing it, these affirmation cards for mixed race kids might help.)
Surround your kids with books, movies, and media that feature mixed race individuals specifically and role models. Encourage your child to get involved in clubs, groups, or even a multiracial community that celebrates all aspects of their identity.
Doing this in addition to participating in cultural festivities, taking trips to places relevant to your kid's cultural backgrounds, and celebrating special occasions that reflect their heritage is so important. Surround your kids with positive role models and influences who will join you in affirming them for who they are.
Tip 5: Keep Your Extended Family in Check
Family can play a big role in your kid's sense of racial identity. Although we'd like to think family will always provide a safe, affirming environment, that isn't always the case.
Each family member comes with their own set of biases and beliefs to work through. Some family members may try to discount or minimize the impact of belonging to multiple races or ethnicities, while others may fetishize or overly emphasize it.
If certain members of your family regularly make harmful or offensive comments to your multiracial children, don't go see them without preparing and practicing ahead of time a few responses that respectfully educate or challenge their views.
I promise it is possible to be clear and honest without being offensive or damaging your relationship with extended family members.
I have a whole library of videos inside the Mixed Life Academy Video Library that explain exactly how to respond to each type of microaggression that mixed race individuals encounter. You can get access here.
Lastly, set boundaries around how you expect family members to treat your mixed race children and uphold those boundaries.
If a certain individual causes more harm to your multiracial family than they enrich your family life, in some cases, it may be necessary to distance your mixed race children from them altogether.
Tip 6: Teach Mixed Race Kids to Advocate for Themselves
When your kids are little and unable to speak up for themselves, it is your job to advocate for them. However, as your kids get older, being a good advocate means helping them learn to advocate for themselves too.
As much as we'd like to shelter our kids from all the bad things in the world, we can't. We won't always be there to shield them from harm.
The best way to protect your mixed race children is to equip and prepare them for society and its often ignorant reaction to multiracial people.
Practice with your kid how to respond to microaggressions and racist comments. Model standing up for others and resisting the norms of our mono-racist society.
Please don't misunderstand… This is not about confrontation or picking fights. It’s about unshakeable confidence.
I am urging you to equip your kids to stand strong in their racial identity and fight for the right to be who they already are.
You CAN Become Your Multiracial Children's Best Advocate!
At the end of the day, advocating for your child's multiracial identity means intentionally creating a supportive and inclusive environment where your kids can thrive.
By equipping your mixed race children with the tools they need to stand up for themselves and develop a strong sense of racial identity, you are giving them the support they need to succeed.
Ensuring your home is safe and affirming gives them a refuge where they can recharge, strengthen their resilience and grow their self-esteem.
Being mixed race is a source of pride but navigating society as multiracial people also comes with its challenges.
With these 6 tips, you as a parent, can ensure that the pride outweighs the struggles and raise a confident, resilient mixed race kid.
If you want additional support for raising a mixed race child with high self-esteem and enough resilience to last a lifetime, check out The Collective!
Join my online educational community where you’ll meet other parents raising mixed race kids and have access to a library of short videos helping you better understand how to advocate for your kids. Fill your toolbox with everything you need to become your kid’s best advocate!
Jennifer Noble is a licensed psychologist, lover of adolescents and coach for parents of mixed race children. She is the founder and CEO of Free to Be Collective, an organization serving marginalized people and nontraditional families. Dr. Jenn created an online educational community for parents of mixed race kids to help families raise confident, resilient children. Her passion for identity freedom and her advocacy for the mixed race community are fueled by her lived experience. In addition to coaching parents, Dr. Jenn owns a private practice in Los Angeles, is a keynote speaker on various topics related to adolescence and the mixed race experience, and teaches at the collegiate level.