The Painful Impact of Colorism on Families with Mixed Race Kids

"You're so lucky she has a lighter skin color. Life will be easier that way."

As cringe-worthy as that comment is, it is a commonly held belief.

Skin tone discrimination, or colorism, is the belief that a lighter skin color is somehow better than darker skin tones. 

Although experiencing colorism is harmful to anyone, this article specifically looks at the painful impact of colorism on families with mixed race kids and how you can keep its effects from hurting your kids' self-esteem.

What is colorism and where did it come from?

Colorism is a type of racial discrimination and bias where preference is given to people with lighter skin tones. Although colorism is rooted in racism and the often implicit desire to uphold systems of white supremacy, it is so ingrained in our society that most of us follow its norms and pass them down without even realizing it.

The doll test of the 1940s proved that skin tone bias begins to form in early childhood. At a very young age, as young as three, the children in the study already favored light skin, even when lighter skin was not widely represented in their own communities. CNN recreated the same study in 2010 and still got similar results. 

Colorism is a more nuanced and complex form of discrimination and bias because it commonly appears even within the same racial or ethnic group.

For example, one study found that within the African American community lighter skin is still perceived as more attractive, making individuals with lighter skin tones more likely to get married. 

In the Asian community, darker skin tones are often associated with “badness” while people with lighter skin tones are perceived as “good”. 

In the Latino community, the phrase “pelo malo” (bad hair) is frequently used to describe coarse, curly hair, while “pelo bueno” is sleek, straight hair. 

You’d be hard pressed to find a community that isn’t impacted by colorism. There is even a very profitable skin whitening industry, selling beauty products that promise to lighten the pigmentation of people's skin.

However, the impact of colorism extends far beyond beauty standards. It also shows up in everything from job opportunities and salary to media representation and marketing. It influences all of us, whether we notice it or not. 

How Colorism Impacts Families with Mixed Race Kids

In families with mixed race kids, family dynamics and beliefs around skin color get even more complex. 

Although we are supposedly in a post-racial society, according to a 2019 study, most of the biracial participants revealed that "racial resemblance is still perceived as a necessary component of family identity." 

Translation: People really struggle to understand how one family unit can include large variations in skin tone. We still think families should "match". 

Most of the participants in the study had personally experienced discrimination based on their skin tone or physical features because they did not "match" the rest of their family.They were treated differently than other members of their family, or even told they couldn’t possibly belong to their own family. 

These messages and differences in treatment can be confusing and even painful for kids. Here are a few specific ways colorism impacts families with mixed race kids and what you can do to prepare your kids for it.

Varying Levels of Privilege

Within a family with mixed race kids, varying skin tones can lead to varying levels of privilege among family members. Children with lighter skin might be given advantages, like positive attention, greater access to opportunity or even preferential treatment, that siblings with darker skin tones don't receive.

Imagine going to grandma's house and seeing your lighter-skinned sister always get the first snack, the best treats, and the most attention. As a child, you would probably internalize those differences in treatment. You might begin to feel shame or believe you are less than your sister, without being quite sure why. These interactions could lead to resentment while also impacting your mental health and self-esteem.

As the parent of mixed race kids, if you notice that your children are experiencing colorism, it is your job to point it out.

You don't have to charge in and start a fight, just make an observation. Say something like: "Hey Mom, I noticed that you always give Amaya first choice and you make Aaron wait until last. It’s starting to look a little bit like favoritism, which I know you don’t want. What if you try to switch up the order next time?"

You will probably be met with defensiveness, arguments or even straight up denial. However, shining a light on the skin tone discrimination that may be fueling those actions is the first step toward change. Until we are aware of the internal biases that influence how we interact with other people, we can’t change them.

Exclusion From Ethnic and Racial Groups

Even though outward appearance, like skin tone and hair texture, does not define who we are as people, it does often determine how people group or perceive us.

That means that some mixed race kids will be more readily accepted into certain racial or ethnic groups than others. If their appearance "matches" how people think someone of that racial or ethnic group should look, they will face less questioning and doubt.

On the flip side, if mixed race children feel like they aren't allowed to claim a part of their identity because of how they look, they may feel isolated, excluded, or even start to resent their appearance.

To help your children resist this feeling of exclusion, affirm their mixed race identity as much as possible. Remind your kids that they already are all the pieces of their heritage. They don't have to do anything to earn that membership. Just by being who they are, they already belong.

When people question your kids' right to belong, repeat those same affirmations you use at home. Remind, or educate, the person questioning your kid's racial identity that appearance doesn't define who you are or what groups you belong to. Heritage is something you are given at birth.

Family Division

If the impact of colorism is constantly putting your kids against each other, making them feel like one child is "better" than the others or making kids feel like they are "not enough" or "too much" of a certain race or ethnicity, it can do some real damage to family relationships.

One of the best things families with mixed race kids can do is make discussions about race and ethnicity a regular part of their family life. Have open and honest conversations about everyone's experiences and how colorism impacts every member of your family differently. 

In the 2019 study mentioned earlier, the mixed race individuals interviewed mentioned that having regular conversations about the racial discrimination they faced with supportive family members was a crucial part of building resilience and learning to navigate life as a mixed race individual. 

Explicitly teach your kids about colorism and racial bias so that they understand that the root of these negative interactions has nothing to do with them. 

Make sure they know that they were treated unfairly because of someone else's internalized biases, not because there is a problem with their skin tone or hair texture. Remind your kids that society's perception of who they are, based on their physical features, does not change who they already are.

You also want to make your children with lighter skin tones aware of the privilege they hold. Help them learn how to use that privilege to create opportunities for others and combat the standards of colorism, instead of uphold it.

Feeling Like The Only One

When mixed race individuals are regularly questioned, called offensive names or face discrimination based on their skin color and hair texture, they can start to think that they are the only one who doesn’t fully fit anywhere. 

This can make them feel like an outcast, disconnected from their heritage. These thoughts and feelings can damage their self-confidence, cause anxiety and other mental health issues.

To help your child feel less alone, get them connected with multiple groups where they feel accepted and included. This could be within racial or ethnic affinity groups, with other multiracial families, in a church, a sports team or a music class. The more places your mixed race child feels they belong, the more easily they will be able to bounce back from experiencing discrimination.

They will be confident in who they are, within the context of race and beyond. This will help your mixed race kids understand that they are more than just who others perceive them to be.

As Brené Brown says, "true belonging doesn't require you to change. It requires you to be who you are." Help your kids build the confidence to be who they are, wherever they are.

Misunderstanding of Racial Trauma

Children with darker skin will likely experience racism and bias in a way that white-appearing family members won't.

It is difficult for all of us to accept or understand realities that don’t match our own. Especially when that reality includes maltreatment that might be a little harder to “see” outright but is felt with a strong impact.

If your child feels like they are being discriminated against, it isn't your role to convince them that they are misinterpreting the situation. It is your job to listen, give them space to process and support them in finding ways to remedy the situation whenever possible.

Everyone in your family needs to understand how race, ethnicity, and bias impact people's perception of us. The default should now be to listen and show empathy over judgment and jumping to conclusions. 

A big part of being a parent of a mixed race kid is accepting that you don't fully understand what it is like to be mixed race. You can't take the lead in solving a problem you have never experienced. Your job is to listen to your child's needs and show empathy and support, not to have all the answers.

How to Lessen The Impact of Colorism On Your Mixed Race Kids

By acknowledging and resisting colorism and the other forms of racism that exist in our society, your family can work together to create a more just and equitable world. Using your awareness of colorism and the parenting practices outlined in this post, you'll be able to raise resilient mixed race children who are confident in who they are and their right to be themselves, wherever they are.

Do you need support navigating these situations within your own family and community? Join the Free to Be Collective! Inside this educational community for parents of mixed race kids, you can learn more about the mixed race experience, gain the tools you need to become your child’s best advocate and get input and advice from me about how to navigate tricky situations with your teen. Who knows, you might even meet someone who lives close enough to meet up with you in real life!

Jennifer Noble is a licensed psychologist, lover of adolescents and coach for parents of mixed race children. She is the founder and CEO of Free to Be Collective, an organization serving marginalized people and nontraditional families. Dr. Jenn created an online educational community for parents of mixed race kids to help families raise confident, resilient children. Her passion for identity freedom and her advocacy for the mixed race community are fueled by her lived experience. In addition to coaching parents, Dr. Jenn owns a private practice in Los Angeles, is a keynote speaker on various topics related to adolescence and the mixed race experience, and teaches at the collegiate level.