How to respectfully describe mixed race kids
"What is she/he?"
As the parent of a mixed race kid, you likely hate this question as much as your kids hate brussel sprouts. As annoying as it might be, it's important you know how to respectfully describe mixed race kids and answer that all-too-common question in a way that honors your children's full identity.
Respectful Answers to "What is she/he?"
First of all, know that you don't owe anyone the details of your kid's racial identity or heritage. You can choose not to engage at all. There are plenty of answers you can use to call the person out on their microaggression and move on with your life.
You could use a short, simple answer like:
My child.
Amazing and creative!
Well if you ask them, I’d have to say [insert their favorite movie/tv character].
If you do decide to dive a little deeper and give more details about your multiracial children, there are a few terms and descriptions you'll want to avoid.
Terms NOT to Use to Describe Your mixed race Child:
Let me preface this list by acknowledging that these terms and phrases are very common. If you have said them before, you're not a bad parent. You do want to keep reading though so you have better language for the future.
White Passing
Let's start by clarifying what I mean by white-passing.
White passing refers to an individual who is essentially living their “public” life as a white person and is accepted as such because of the way they look.
Sometimes people say “white passing” to refer to a person whose physical features are often associated with whiteness, like straight hair, thin lips, or a light skin color. Although the person would not necessarily identify as white, they are often assumed to be white. We don’t want to imply someone is actively “passing” when they are not!
The problem with the term “white passing” is that it implies the person is actively trying to pass as a white person rather than simply having physical features that are associated with whiteness. It reinforces the idea that whiteness is something to be desired or achieved, which is a harmful belief rooted in white supremacy.
The terms “white appearing”, “white presenting”, or “white assumed” on the other hand, are a bit more accurate to use. They do not place whiteness on a pedestal. Instead, they imply that the person's physical features may be mistakenly associated with whiteness.
Although it seems like a small difference in words, the terms “white appearing” and “white presenting” de-center whiteness and promote a more inclusive understanding of race and identity.
Fractions
Parents and mixed race individuals alike often use fractions to describe their racial heritage or ethnicity. For example, a parent may say their child is “half-white” or “1/4 Japanese.”
Although I get where you're coming from, your kid is a whole person, not a math problem!
There is no way around it: fractions are reductive. They imply that your multiracial child doesn't fully belong in any one group (because they are not “100%”). It is also a slippery slope toward the "one drop rule", where people begin to argue how much of a certain heritage you need to claim, or not claim, a race or ethnicity.
Instead of using fractions, just use the word “and”. My child is Black AND White. My kids are Asian, Latino, AND Native American.
Yes, people will probably push back and question how your multiracial child can possibly be all those things but that’s not a battle you need to be a part of! Let them be confused on their own. It isn't up to them to decide who your kids are. You don't have to explain or even engage with the arguments. Just declare your mixed race kids are who they are and move on.
What about Biracial, Multiracial or Mixed Race?
There is nothing wrong with using any of these three terms to describe your child but I would use them as a descriptor only, not as the full explanation of who your multiracial child’s identity. As someone mentioned on my Instagram page, "Mixed is an adjective. Not an identity."
Many times people use "biracial" or "mixed" because they aren't sure they have permission to claim all the identities that make up their background.
Just saying someone is mixed oversimplifies who they are by creating an extra, vague, “catch-all” racial category to put them in. Being mixed race doesn't make your kids less of anything. It makes them fully part of multiple races or ethnicities at once.
Don't be afraid to declare all of who your child already is!
For example, "My child is a [list all backgrounds] mixed race person." or "My child is biracial [list the two groups]".
How to Choose the Right Terms
Here's where it gets tricky for parents. It isn't technically your job to decide how your multiracial child will identify. Your child is the one who will ultimately choose what terms they want to use to describe themselves.
However, when they are too young to make those decisions on their own, you can model different options by answering the "what is he/she?" question in a way that honors all aspects of your child's identity and heritage.
That means using “and” (no fractions), not saying “passing”, just declaring all your multiracial child already is.
Once your child reaches the age where they can make those decisions themselves, it is your job to let them self-identify and then follow their lead, using the same terms and phrases they use.
Keep in mind how your multiracial child chooses to identify will change over time. That is a perfectly normal part of mixed race identity development.
Jennifer Noble is a licensed psychologist, lover of adolescents and coach for parents of mixed race children. She is the founder and CEO of Free to Be Collective, an organization serving marginalized people and nontraditional families. Dr. Jenn created an online educational community for parents of mixed race kids to help families raise confident, resilient children. Her passion for identity freedom and her advocacy for the mixed race community are fueled by her lived experience. In addition to coaching parents, Dr. Jenn owns a private practice in Los Angeles, is a keynote speaker on various topics related to adolescence and the mixed race experience, and teaches at the collegiate level.