Confronting Bias: Internal Work for White Parents of Mixed Race Kids

As parents, we all want what is best for our children. One of the hardest parts of being a white parent of mixed race kids is learning to recognize that what is best for you isn't always what is best for your kids. Doing this internal work for white parents of mixed race kids is essential if you want to raise confident, resilient mixed race kids.

5 Reflection Questions For White Parents of mixed race Kids

Let me preface this list by saying that ALL parents of mixed race kids have internal work to do. We ALL need to take time to reflect on our beliefs about racial differences and identify any harmful biases that we may be passing down to our kids. However, for white parents of multiracial children, there are a few extra layers to work through that most people of color will have already learned to recognize.

I know these are hard questions that will take time, a lot of soul-searching and many conversations to work through. To be honest, you will never really be “done” with this work. It is a lifelong journey of digging, noticing, adjusting, and digging some more. 

That doesn't mean you get to skip it! Your mixed race kids need you to do this internal work, no matter how hard or uncomfortable it is.

Here are five questions to help you explore your own racial identity as a white person and how your white identity impacts your experiences and worldview.

What does it mean to be white?

In the US, the media usually portrays white culture as the “normal” way of life.  That means, many white individuals don't realize they have any kind of culture. In their minds, they are just normal. 

Unfortunately, as Emily Chiariello from Learning For Justice said, "It’s impossible to see the privilege and dominance associated with white racial identity without acknowledging that whiteness is a racial identity."

To accept and embrace the nuances of your child's culture without judging, fetishizing or mistakenly taking them on as your own, you have to learn to identify what it means to be white.

The best way to do this is to get curious. Reflect on your values, beliefs, traditions, and priorities. Try to figure out where these ideas came from, who else shares them, and how they measure up when applied to people with other cultural backgrounds or racial identities.

Any time you find yourself in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or uncertain, don’t run away from it. Instead, get curious and introspective. 

Try to get to the root of your discomfort. Were you uncomfortable because the situation didn't follow the cultural practices or norms you're used to? Was it uncomfortable because of a cultural or racial difference? 

You'll be surprised by how often the warning alarm bells go off in your head because of differences in culture, beliefs, or life choices, not because you are in actual danger.

How has white privilege impacted my life?

White privilege is an unearned advantage that you are given just because you are a white person. It’s kind of like being born with a VIP pass to the concert of life. 

That doesn't mean that life is always easy. It does mean that you'll have automatic access to opportunities that many people of color do not. It also means that systemic racism won't be an added barrier for you. 

White privilege shows up in such subtle, almost invisible ways that it can be hard for white people to acknowledge its existence. 

However, depending on your mixed race child's phenotype, they may or may not experience the same level of privilege that you do. 

Your child's experience with the world likely won't match yours. Instead of feeling threatened by that, or blaming your child when things don't turn out the way you think they should, you need to be willing to listen and accept your child's perception of the world around them, especially when it comes to racism or discrimination.

Mixed race kids need the unwavering support of their family unit. They've got a lot of work to do, as they figure out their racial identity and how to navigate a world that wants to categorize them based on their physical characteristics. They need to know that no matter what, you are there ready to listen and support them.

As the white parent of mixed race kids, it is your job to develop what Twine refers to as "racial literacy". This means that you develop the ability to notice subtle forms of racism, like microaggressions, that used to be invisible to you (because of white privilege). 

You can use this awareness to support your mixed race children, show empathy for their experiences, and speak up when you notice racism in society. Just like your kids have to learn to bridge two or more racial, ethnic and cultural identities, you have to learn to see the world beyond your white identity.

What beliefs do I have about discussing race and ethnicity?

Most of the generation parenting today were raised in the colorblind era. We were taught that talking about race, ethnicity and culture was racist.

That couldn't be further from the truth.

Adopting a colorblind mentality is harmful, especially to mixed race kids.  It dismisses the rich diversity and cultural experiences that connect us to our racial and ethnic groups. Color-blindness also tries to erase systemic racism, and discrimination, although its effects are very visible and very real. 

If you try to pass down the color blind mentality to your mixed race children, it will prevent your kids from fully understanding, appreciating, and navigating their unique racial identity.

If you avoid conversations about what it means to be mixed race because you've been taught that race doesn't matter, you won't be able to equip your kids to answer the inevitable questions they will get about their mixed race identity.

When your mixed race children face discrimination, their response will be one of shame instead of resistance. If they have been taught that racism doesn't exist, they will believe the discrimination or barriers they face are about them, instead of being the result of someone else's false beliefs and the racist systems embedded into our society. 

Your kids need you to normalize discussions about race and the significant role it plays in their lives. That is the only way they can be prepared to thrive in our race-obsessed society.

What beliefs do I have about my child's culture(s)?

This is a big one. We all have implicit biases, or beliefs that we aren't fully aware of, that impact the way we interact with other cultures and people groups.

Even if you don't outwardly vocalize your biases, they will come out in microaggressions, observed interactions, and preferences. You need to be acutely aware of what you REALLY think about your child's racial, cultural and ethnic identities because you WILL pass down those beliefs to your kids.

Remember, there is no one right way to live. Just because it is different doesn't mean it is wrong. 

If you find yourself feeling stressed at cultural events or annoyed when you are with extended family members, that is the perfect opportunity to internally explore the why behind your reactions.

Am I prioritizing my comfort or my child's well-being?

Are you prioritizing your own comfort over your child's need for racial and cultural affirmation? This might be the hardest question in this list to answer, making it a really important one for all parents of mixed race kids to explore.

Look at your school district, social connections, and family activities. Are you in environments that affirm your kids? Or environments that affirm you?

Take some time to explore your reasoning behind those choices. Did you choose the predominantly white school district because it's actually the best place for your kids to get a good education? Or is it simply the most comfortable environment for you?

Do you ignore signs of discrimination, downplay the impact of racism, and push your kids to "just get over it" so that you don't have to feel uncomfortable?

Parenting mixed race kids means stepping outside of your comfort zone. It means letting go of long-held beliefs and ideologies. It means being willing to learn, unlearn and relearn as you support your child in navigating their mixed race identity.

It's not easy, but it is necessary for the well-being of your child. 

As a parent, you have the responsibility to help your mixed race child grow into a confident, resilient individual who is proud of all aspects of who they are. 

That is going to be hard to achieve if your kids are always in predominantly white environments and immersed in white culture. They need to experience environments that affirm them. They need to interact with other people who look like them.

You have to intentionally seek out diverse and inclusive environments that affirm and celebrate all your child is, even if those situations push you out of your comfort zone.

A Tool To Guide Parents of mixed race Kids' Internal Work

I know you want to raise confident, resilient mixed race kids. I also know that achieving that goal requires a lot of intentionality and hard work. 

Jennifer Noble is a licensed psychologist, lover of adolescents and coach for parents of mixed race children. She is the founder and CEO of Free to Be Collective, an organization serving marginalized people and nontraditional families. Dr. Jenn created an online educational community for parents of mixed race kids to help families raise confident, resilient children. Her passion for identity freedom and her advocacy for the mixed race community are fueled by her lived experience. In addition to coaching parents, Dr. Jenn owns a private practice in Los Angeles, is a keynote speaker on various topics related to adolescence and the mixed race experience, and teaches at the collegiate level.