3 Tips for When A Mixed Race Child Says 'I Want to Be White'
It's heartbreaking to hear your child say that they want to be someone else, especially when that someone is of a different race. Your first instinct might be to rush in and "fix" it all but that isn't actually what your multiracial kid needs from you. Here are 3 tips to help you respond effectively when your mixed race child says they want to be white.
Tip 1: Check your Emotions First
First things first, take a deep breath and let go of any thoughts or emotions your child’s statement is bringing up. It's important to remember that this is a common thought/experience for mixed race children. It’s also pretty much a given that any monoracial child who is not of the dominant (white) culture will say/think this too! It's NOT a reflection of your parenting or your child's self-esteem, especially if your child is young.
Around the age of three, children begin to gain an awareness of race and how it influences people's preferences and opinions. Your multiracial child may have recently developed this understanding of racial hierarchies and realized that they are not at "the top" of that list.
That is a painful realization that they might be trying to fix with innocent childhood wishes.
Instead of going into the conversation with your own emotions clouding your thoughts and your adult assumptions taking the lead, try to hold back those initial responses. Use open-mindedness and curiosity to figure out where your child is coming from and what sparked their comment.
Tip 2: Listen, Repeat, Affirm
Use this three step process to guide your conversation:
Ask your mixed race child why they feel this way. Let them explain their reasons in their own words.
Repeat back what you hear them say (without adding your own thoughts and opinions).
Affirm the emotion behind their thoughts.
For example, if your multiracial child says, "I want to be white because then I'd look like all my friends," you can respond by saying, "Oh, so you wanna be white because then you'd look like all your friends? I understand, it kinda feels weird when you are the only one who looks a certain way, huh?"
Notice there is no correction here, just listening. Before you try to "correct" your child or "fix" their pain, they need to know you heard their concern! You are repeating back what you hear them say and affirming you understand how they feel to show you are strong enough to hear and tolerate their painful moments.
If you always rush in and "fix" things, your child may feel like you are dismissing their problems and, eventually, stop sharing. You want to show you understand FIRST so that the lines of communication stay open.
Tip 3: Keep Affirming
For really young kids, you don't need to give any kind of corrective response during the initial conversation, just listen and affirm. Your official "response" can come later, through a book.
Use the reason why your child said they wish they were white to guide the books you choose.
For example, if it's hair - then read one of the many books helping curly-kinky-haired kids embrace their hair texture, like "My Wonderful Curls" by Lacey Howard and Tristan Towns.
If they say it is because people "like white people better" try "Our Skin: A First Conversation About Race" by Megan Madison so that you can help dismantle your child's belief in the racial hierarchy little by little.
Picture books are a great, non-threatening way to talk with your kids about hard topics. Your child can identify with the character who is struggling and maybe even challenge their way of thinking about a topic. It is also an easy way for them to see other multiracial kids who look like them.
As you read, you can add in statements like, "Oh they said something like what you did earlier today!"
Honestly, there is no need to wait until questions like this come up to start having these conversations with your mixed race kids. You want to start early and keep affirming your kids regularly. Intentionally surround your mixed race children with books, movies, music, celebrities and other media that affirm their multiracial identity.
As an interracial family with multiracial kids, it is also important to help your kids learn more about their cultural roots, participate in celebrations and traditions and build relationships with extended family members. The more connected your kids are to people who look like them and share their racial identity, the less isolated they will feel.
Affirmation of all forms helps multiracial kids develop a positive sense of self and embrace their mixed race identity.
Easily Talk With Your Kids About Race
Conversations about race and racism can be hard for any parent but with these three tips in your toolbelt, you will be able to handle this hard conversation like a pro.
Remember:
Instead of letting your emotions do the talking, try to stay calm. Children don't process the world the way adults do. Their reason might not be what you think.
Ask questions and listen to what is really going on inside your kid's head.
Affirm their feelings and their identity by surrounding them with positive role models and affirming media.
Raising children who identify with two or more races/ethnicities comes with its fair share of curve balls. If you want to have easy access to guidance for every hard question your kid throws your way, I’ve got you!
I created an educational and supportive community for parents of mixed race children and teens just like you. Come see what we’re doing and join a space where you and your children belong!
Jennifer Noble is a licensed psychologist, lover of adolescents and coach for parents of mixed race children. She is the founder and CEO of Free to Be Collective, an organization serving marginalized people and nontraditional families. Dr. Jenn created an online educational community for parents of mixed race kids to help families raise confident, resilient children. Her passion for identity freedom and her advocacy for the mixed race community are fueled by her lived experience. In addition to coaching parents, Dr. Jenn owns a private practice in Los Angeles, is a keynote speaker on various topics related to adolescence and the mixed race experience, and teaches at the collegiate level.